Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Dear Sammy

I have not had the time I would like to continue to write for my Prairie Pondering blog. As my profile indicates, I like to write. However, my mailbox is so full of people writing me for advice lately that I’ve been distracted from the blog. To remedy the situation, and garner some sympathy from my readers who can share the enormous responsibility I’ve assumed by agreeing to respond to the letters, I’ve decided to publish a “Dear Sammy” column. Please use the comment box to let me know if you agree with my advice.

The first letter came from a former candidate for the DFL nomination for the U.S. Senate seat in Minnesota now held by Norm Coleman. She challenged Al Franken in the primary, but lost.

“Dear Sammy,
“During my recent campaign for the U.S. Senate, I had the chance to meet my opponent, Al Franken. He was so rude. He treated me like I didn’t exist. Now, many DFL’ers are expecting me to endorse Franken in his campaign against Norm Coleman and Dean Barkley. I’m still fuming at his rudeness. Do I have to endorse him?
“Lord of the Ringers”

Dear Lord:
The Rabbis teach us that the biblical admonishment to take an “eye for an eye” is a lesson in limits: you should not exact a punishment in excess of the wrong being righted. In other words, take no more than an eye for an eye. There is no obligation to insist on an actual quid pro quo to achieve justice.

While you don’t say specifically what Franken did that was “rude”, he was undoubtedly reacting to your decision to jump into the Senate race on the last day for filing, run negative ads that were so “rude” that the Coleman campaign used them in their own advertisements, and manage, with the assistance of a letter from the Coleman campaign to its supporters suggesting they vote for you to embarrass Franken, to garner less than 30% of the vote. Unlike Franken, you did not spend years preparing for the campaign, working to support other Democrats running for office, laying out detailed policies on how to address our nation’s ills, or offer a viable alternative to Norm Coleman. Your decision to run for office, apparently on a whim, jeopardized the opportunity to replace a Bush mouthpiece with a U.S. Senator who would not espouse conservative positions like a Dick Cheney lapdog.

On balance, I’d say that Franken’s “rudeness” was far less than the “eye for an eye” that you deserved. Go ahead and endorse him. Maybe he’ll recommend your father for a Federal judgeship.

This letter came from a friend of Nancy Reagan’s. I don’t know how she got my name. It might have been from the list of California attorneys on inactive status. Maybe she thought I didn’t have anything else to do, not realizing my Minnesota license is very active.

“Dear Sammy,

“My ex-husband has been telling the world about his fairy tale courtship of his current wife, pretending I don’t exist. For example, he told a television audience of tens of millions of people that he lied about his age when he met a fancy-pants heiress in Hawaii and began their great romance but neglected to mention that he was still married to me. I was at home, alone, taking care of our children while still dealing with the effects of a nearly fatal automobile accident that, according to my husband, made me something other than the woman he married. I’ve avoided discussing these matters in public. Should I go public and let the world know what a philandering S.O.B. he is?

“Ms. (ing) McCain”

Dear Missing,
This is a tough call. This isn’t the ‘90’s, when your husband’s political party insisted on posting a special prosecutor’s report on the Internet because the public had a right to know the details of the Democratic president’s illicit affair. You’re probably best off keeping the hush money from the GOP and let your ex and his botox beauty continue to live their Disney fantasy.

Eventually, the American public will be forced to look behind the curtain the Grand Oz Party has hung and figure out that the Straight Talk Express skipped the stop at “’til death do us part”.

The third letter in my mailbox came from a confused teen.

“Dear Sammy,

"I’ve grown up in a family with two working parents, neither of whom have been home much. When not working, my dad is off snow machining. My mom has been so busy with the PTA, my brother’s hockey league, government work and maternity wards, she hasn’t been around much lately. I tried to take up some of her hobbies to make her notice me, but it wrecked my social life. In fact,

I'm quick on the trigger with targets not much bigger
Than a pen point, I'm number one.
But my score with a feller is lower than a cellar-
Oh you can't get a man with a gun.
The gals with 'umbrellars'
Are always out with fellers
In the rain or the blazing sun
But a man never trifles
With gals who carry rifles
Oh you can't get a man with a gun.

“So, as long as mom never took any interest in my NRA activities, I slept with my boyfriend. It turns out you can get pregnant in a hot tub and then some guy Paris called a ‘wrinkly white haired dude’ told the whole world I was getting married. Worse, my mom is siding with the old dude. Who died and made her President?

“Here’s my question, do I have to set a date before the November election?

“Bristling Bristol”

Dear Bristling,
I’d wait. Depending on what happens in November, benefits for single mothers might be restored to the point where you don’t need to throw your life away just to pretend that “family values” have any meaning to a sexually active teenager. Good luck with the baby.

That's it for now. The rest of the letters are protected by attorney/client privilege. Let me know if you think I'm off base on the advice given above. Lord knows (pun intended) there are lots of opinions out there.

1 comment:

Charles Leck said...

Dear Sammy:

Advice given so far, in the three letters you post, is extraordinarily good. You are treading, however, on dangerous ground. There are so many dumb son-of-a-bitches out there in the political arena who desperately need advice that your mail box will be crammed-full.

Can you imagine how difficult it is for guys like Karl Rove to sleep at night? There are so many lying liars in the GOP (Gallop on the People Party) that hell is going to be also crammed-full in another generation.

But, I have a more serious question. I read now that the Fed is structuring a bail-out program for the insurance giant, AIG. If they go through with it, the Fed will be heavily invested in that company. Now this is what confuses me: Isn’t this the socialism of which the GOP is always accusing the Dems? Or, because it is so lofty and expensive, does that rise above and beyond socialism? It’s difficult for us little guys to understand and we need your thoughts on the matter. Why a bail out for a broken insurance company? Why not a bail-out for America’s broken infrastructure or its educational system?

Your faithful reader, Charles of Independence, awaits your potent advice.